Falling apart, once again

My lowest point seems to be getting lower every day. I am exhausted and so ready for this process to be over with. Isn't the pain supposed to subside with time? I guess it kind of has; I think I was just more numb before. Now the numbness is wearing off and I'm feeling everything, like a fistful of raw nerve. On lunch today I plan to sleep in my car for the entire hour and maybe feel a little more hopeful in the afternoon. I'm pretty sure death is not supposed to be a daydream...

2 Month Update

I'm over 2 months into this and still not over the shock of my husband and best friend walking out on me. It's like tremors after a huge earthquake, and peices of me keep crumbling with each one. When people say I'm strong I don't know where they're seeing it. I wish I didn't feel like he took so much; I wish I had preserved more of me. I find myself freaking out about unknowns these days because I don't want to be blindsided by something again.

This weekend I was talking to Sam about traveling and how we can't get stuck in Mt. P forever, and I realized that was my future with Noah - Mt. P forever, trying to keep the fish store afloat, never traveling beyond Walmart...what a nightmare! So ultimately I'm very lucky to have escaped him, but I could have made his life worth more just because I loved him so much. Is that conceited? I don't mean to be, I just think that love adds so much value to life, and I really loved him. But since I never really knew him I'm getting over that. I don't love who he really is because he's completely motivated by his own self. I don't even love who I thought he was because it never existed.