D-Day

He's reached a new level of low today. I cannot wait to have him out of my life forever and be free to find out what's ahead. I realized I don't know what a good marriage looks like because my experience gets worse every day. I might just let go of my desire to have the type of family I always thought I would have; it's time to rethink my perception of family. Don't be alarmed, I'm still the same Sarah somewhere in there...at least part of me is the same. But it's so hard to imagine trusting a man again. I'm convinced he has lost what good was there at one point; he is here for himself alone and anyone in his life at this point is there because he sees something in them that he can use to his own advantage. He doesn't know what love is, and for that reason Lindsey or anyone after her will only be used up in the end. Is it horrible to confess I wish either he or I would have died before all of this came out? Then I would have only had "good" memories.

Pondering

I have never experienced so much restlessness and penetrating sadness in my life. I want to run somewhere and get lost; I don't want anyone to be able to find me. Lately this question keeps running through my head: who does that? Don't most people, even couples who have been dating or married forever, break up better than this? Aren't there usually conversations and crying and conclusions that are come to semi-mutually? Who does this?? I cast around in my mind for answers; here are some of them: He must think I'm not a real person. I must be that worthless to him. There's something wrong with who I am that I don't know about. He must not be a real person. He's just that much of a coward. I've done something to deserve this.



I just can't wrap my mind around the cowardice and disdain it would take to go about things this way. As much as I have realized he's not who I thought he was, somehow I thought he was at least better than this...

.....

All my friends and loved ones have told me to take care of my body, but it feels kind of good to abuse myself physically by lack of sleep and food. I feel like it alters my state of mind, numbing me so I can get through the day. So many emotions, I can't even tell you. So many secrets kept, even dating back to the times I thought we were happy together. I guess my love was never prized, even though he fought so hard for me. He fought for selfish reasons while I fought for him. Feeling your heart break again every day is torture; I can't explain what goes through my head. If you're reading this and believe in miracles, please pray.

Ouch...

The knife keeps twisting deeper through my heart, although I can only be thankful for what I've escaped. Noah has a girlfriend; I don't know how long they've been seeing each other, but I have an idea. I don't think I was out of the picture. I could never describe how much this hurts and releases me at the same time. I can only imagine the disdain he held for me in his heart while I loved him shamelessly; now he's gone and I see him for the person he is, and I'm horrified. I will never be the same person I was; I hope that's a good thing, but in so many ways I've lost innocence and trust. And a huge portion of my heart. I feel myself hardening and looking at men in a different light. I don't want to become someone who uses people, but I don't want to trust again.

Loneliness...

...it's slowly decomposing my sense of worth. I'm trying to keep my head above this; trying to cling to the truth and make sense out of why I'm here. My mom says "Life is worth the pain." I don't know if it is, and that's the honest truth of what's in my heart. I have been here before, I know this place and I know I should run, but I just sit here, alone and in pain. I know I'll overcome these thoughts; I will do the right thing in the end. But you can't convince me at this moment that my life is worth this...though I still want you to try.