What helps

Someone asked me today, after hearing about everything that happened with Noah, what helps me now. I thought it was such a kind question; I'm sure I've been asked before, but I guess it came at just the right moment this time. What I told him was that looking ahead at my goals helps; making new friends who aren't connected to Noah helps...and in the car on the way back to work I realized: small words of confirmation throughout the day helps. From people I don't know well or who I haven't seen in years. From strangers, from friends, from my family...I'm surviving on words of encouragement right now. Knowing that his sister, who is beautiful and smart and accomplished and has everything to give, was rejected and abandoned like me. To remember that it was not me/the person I am or the kind of wife I was who caused the disintegration of my marriage. That it was lust of some sort (I'm not even sure what it was for) that consumed him and led to the decisions he made. It was a conscious decision to abandon what is right. Now if I can only hold on to the truth...

Sleep

I want to crawl into a dark hole while time passes backwards until the evening of October 11th, 1980, so I can start all over. I am disappointing to myself (and others, I fear). I entertain vicious thoughts towards Noah. I've been reliving the events of August 4th, 2008; I don't feel any one way about them. They depress and horrify me; I also know I was ultimately saved from the untimely death of all my dreams. But as it is my dreams are struggling to stay alive, as is my hope. I'm sure it makes me a coward to say that I would rather not be here, but at this point I'm not concerned about it. I am tired in so many ways, I want to sleep for good........