10 Months Later....

"What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step." - CS Lewis

Sitting here a bit teary-eyed after reading all of my old posts. I'm emotional for different reasons, the first being pretty obvious: those posts bring back a lot of horrible memories and feelings. But I'm also a little emotional over the fact that I was so unsure of whether I could go on and fulfill dreams I had thought were over after my marriage. As of today, this is what my future looks like: moving to Chicago in (hopefully) a few weeks, starting a job there until law school starts in August, living with 2 of the best roommates ever...

Life After Lemons

Can you ever trust yourself to pick out a good guy again if you picked a lemon the first time? What if a lot of the people who love you most don't think so? I wish I could compartmentalize my life so that, in the relationship department, I could dig a hole and hide but in every other department I could go on with business as usual.

Hm...Another Depressing Thought

Will I always be so cowed by my family? I understand their concern and that they have the right to question my decisions, especially in light of recent events, but I feel so chastised! And it depresses me like I can't describe.

A depressing thought after a long, exhausting day

I just don't know if men are ever who you think they are...

What helps

Someone asked me today, after hearing about everything that happened with Noah, what helps me now. I thought it was such a kind question; I'm sure I've been asked before, but I guess it came at just the right moment this time. What I told him was that looking ahead at my goals helps; making new friends who aren't connected to Noah helps...and in the car on the way back to work I realized: small words of confirmation throughout the day helps. From people I don't know well or who I haven't seen in years. From strangers, from friends, from my family...I'm surviving on words of encouragement right now. Knowing that his sister, who is beautiful and smart and accomplished and has everything to give, was rejected and abandoned like me. To remember that it was not me/the person I am or the kind of wife I was who caused the disintegration of my marriage. That it was lust of some sort (I'm not even sure what it was for) that consumed him and led to the decisions he made. It was a conscious decision to abandon what is right. Now if I can only hold on to the truth...

Sleep

I want to crawl into a dark hole while time passes backwards until the evening of October 11th, 1980, so I can start all over. I am disappointing to myself (and others, I fear). I entertain vicious thoughts towards Noah. I've been reliving the events of August 4th, 2008; I don't feel any one way about them. They depress and horrify me; I also know I was ultimately saved from the untimely death of all my dreams. But as it is my dreams are struggling to stay alive, as is my hope. I'm sure it makes me a coward to say that I would rather not be here, but at this point I'm not concerned about it. I am tired in so many ways, I want to sleep for good........

January 2009

January is my least favorite month by far...I don't know whether or not to attribute my current state to the frigid weather and dark skies or to something else. Singlehood is at times so confusing to me that it's tempting to want to latch on to someone and let the direction of their life determine mine. I'm scared, and I'm ashamed of that. I guess I'm kind of admitting that I allowed a lot of Noah's control in my life because I'm not confident enough to control my own life, and that embarrasses me. I'm 28 years old. The problem is that when I feel out of control and there's no one to steer me around I resort to old methods of dealing with it, like the eating disorder and panic attacks. The newest plan, which I think is the best one so far, is to take the LSAT in June and wait for 2010 to start Law School. In the meantime I will work, get a new car, possibly move, and build my life somewhere new. I will try not to disappoint you!