Hm...Another Depressing Thought

Will I always be so cowed by my family? I understand their concern and that they have the right to question my decisions, especially in light of recent events, but I feel so chastised! And it depresses me like I can't describe.

A depressing thought after a long, exhausting day

I just don't know if men are ever who you think they are...

What helps

Someone asked me today, after hearing about everything that happened with Noah, what helps me now. I thought it was such a kind question; I'm sure I've been asked before, but I guess it came at just the right moment this time. What I told him was that looking ahead at my goals helps; making new friends who aren't connected to Noah helps...and in the car on the way back to work I realized: small words of confirmation throughout the day helps. From people I don't know well or who I haven't seen in years. From strangers, from friends, from my family...I'm surviving on words of encouragement right now. Knowing that his sister, who is beautiful and smart and accomplished and has everything to give, was rejected and abandoned like me. To remember that it was not me/the person I am or the kind of wife I was who caused the disintegration of my marriage. That it was lust of some sort (I'm not even sure what it was for) that consumed him and led to the decisions he made. It was a conscious decision to abandon what is right. Now if I can only hold on to the truth...

Sleep

I want to crawl into a dark hole while time passes backwards until the evening of October 11th, 1980, so I can start all over. I am disappointing to myself (and others, I fear). I entertain vicious thoughts towards Noah. I've been reliving the events of August 4th, 2008; I don't feel any one way about them. They depress and horrify me; I also know I was ultimately saved from the untimely death of all my dreams. But as it is my dreams are struggling to stay alive, as is my hope. I'm sure it makes me a coward to say that I would rather not be here, but at this point I'm not concerned about it. I am tired in so many ways, I want to sleep for good........

January 2009

January is my least favorite month by far...I don't know whether or not to attribute my current state to the frigid weather and dark skies or to something else. Singlehood is at times so confusing to me that it's tempting to want to latch on to someone and let the direction of their life determine mine. I'm scared, and I'm ashamed of that. I guess I'm kind of admitting that I allowed a lot of Noah's control in my life because I'm not confident enough to control my own life, and that embarrasses me. I'm 28 years old. The problem is that when I feel out of control and there's no one to steer me around I resort to old methods of dealing with it, like the eating disorder and panic attacks. The newest plan, which I think is the best one so far, is to take the LSAT in June and wait for 2010 to start Law School. In the meantime I will work, get a new car, possibly move, and build my life somewhere new. I will try not to disappoint you!

It's Over!

It feels so wierd to be "single;" I still don't really think of myself that way. It's more like "DIVORCED," which sucks in a way but is also better than the alternative. The hearing went pretty smoothly, both outwardly and inwardly. My parents, sister and friend came along, and the best word to describe my emotional state that day is "relieved." Now I'm on a rollercoaster, of course, but I guess I expected that. The future is wide open.

Dec. 5: Get Rid of Husband

It will officially be over on Friday!! I put a reminder in my phone for this Friday, the day of our divorce hearing, to "get rid of husband." It excites me. I'm actually going to have a future now; I'll be a lawyer in a few years if all goes as planned. When I think about my life I don't want to crawl in a dark hole anymore...at least not most of the time.