Today is Monday, August 11th, 2008 and I am still breathing. One week ago today my husband of two years stood in the doorway of our home and told me he wanted to leave me. I've pulled myself together as much and even more than I could have expected and yet all I have today is the strength to keep sucking a little oxygen into my lungs. Thank God for family and friends and in-laws who still love me.
Yesterday Caz preached on the Kingdom of Heaven. I have to keep asking myself:
Am I poor in spirit?
Yes, my spirit is absolutely crushed.
Am I mourning?
More than I ever have in my life.
Am I meek?
I don't know. I'm humbled by the intensity of things right now to the point of terror.
So the Kingdom of Heaven is mine. Awesome. I don't know what to do with that. I think you're supposed to feel ecstatic about it; maybe someday I will. Right now I have so many questions, like what's so repulsive about me that the person I love the most and have given up the most for would decide to walk into our home, wake me up and basically (though not in so many words) tell me I'm no longer good enough for him? That I don't make his life worth the effort to stick it out with me? That I'm not even worth an explanation longer than "I haven't been happy for eight months?" My mind is blown to pieces right now and I have to believe I'm better off on my own.
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