Thoughts

Nights require so much strength for me, I think because I used to look forward to seeing him when I got out of work. But days are easier now...I'm dreaming of the future and law school. So now I have to plan my life out, and it's kind of exciting, although I'm rather Jekyll and Hyde emotionally right now. Sometimes it's like I just have to mentally push all feeling and emotion to the back burner so I can gather a little more strength for the next breakdown. I'm trying to take care of me but I don't really know how, since I felt selfish doing that in my marriage. It was really all about him, and I was ok with that. I thought I was trying to be the best wife ever, and I'm not ashamed to say that I would have become whatever he needed. I know that's not God's plan for marriage, but I was that committed, and I had a pure heart.

I can't imagine loving anyone else like I loved Noah, but I think that's a good thing. Our love wasn't healthy because he took and I gave and I would have given everything for the rest of my life and been left with nothing to show for it. I think about the recurring nightmares I used to have; I would wake up crying and beg him not to leave me like he did in my dreams, and I wonder how I knew I had to be afraid of that. I do take comfort in the fact that, while I might have been somewhat of a doormat of a wife, I gave what is required and more and would have gone through hell with him.